So today is Day #9 of the diet . I can't say there's a whole heckuva lot to report so far. But I'm sure it takes a lot longer than 9 days for things to start changing for the better.
One thing I have noticed is my fatigue/tiredness seems to be even worse, if possible. I can barely get moving in the morning when I wake up, I feel completely EXHAUSTED and it takes a couple hours for that lead-weight feeling to wear off. I'm thinking that might be because I haven't mastered the art of keeping my blood sugar level on this diet though. Not sure. Good thing for me that I have a job with flexible hours.
On the good side, I have noticed less "gurgliness" on a day to day basis. There's been a couple nights where my stomach felt a little grumbley after dinner but not nearly like what I was used to on a daily basis before this diet.
As for the pain in my side, unfortunately that's still there and is still as sporadic as usual. Interestingly, my urologist (for the ridiculous # of pee trips I take) said the pain MAY be associated with the IC (interstitial cystitis). So who knows maybe he'll be able to help with the mystery pain.
Speaking of Dr. P... I had an exploratory procedure this morning and had to take a valium for it so I'd be relaxed. If you've never taken a valium, holy shnikes, that's some pill. They tell you not to drive but I made the mistake of running one more errand after I picked up and took said pill. Whoa! That was an interesting trip back to my house.
Anyhoo... it wasn't anything too terribly bad and basically he just ended up saying he's pretty sure it's IC and prescribed a pill to take. Now even though I've been pretty anti-medication lately, I figure I will give this one a try because it actually is supposed to fix the actual problem and not just put a band-aid on the symptoms. Course, the two possible side effects are stomach upset - yea, like I don't have enough issues with that, and possible hair thinning - um, no. I already feel like my hair is thinner from all this stuff that's been going on with me this past year (my stylist thinks I'm imagining it) but you bet your butt I will have a close eye on the hairbrush!
Right now my stomach is not too happy with me, but since it's actually been better since I've on this diet, I'm thinking it's probably the antibiotic they made me take after the procedure. See why I don't like medicine? So I'm not going to jump to any conclusions just yet.
On the food front... I have become quite a fan of avacados, flavored olive oils and sea salt. I made a good meal tonight - italian vegetables with artichoke hearts. Yum! And the other night, made a rosemary chuck roast in the crock pot. YUM! Both were recipes I got off of a menu planner from this website I happened upon last week called Heart of Cooking (http://allergyfreemenuplanners.com/). Such an awesome site! And talk about weird, she lives in Frederick, my hometown!
Welp that's it for now, I'm still kinda sleepy so it's lights out for me. Hopefully this new medication won't mess things up and the diet will keep doing what it's supposed to do! In the meantime, I will continue to dream of cinnamon toast, red velvet cupcakes and fro yo.
Wednesday, January 9, 2013
Sunday, January 6, 2013
The Repairvite Diet... crazy or miracle?
Well I'm about a week late in posting this since I wanted to start a blog about my restricted diet starting on Day 1. But it's only Day 6 so that's not too bad. ;)
For those of you that don't know, I've been having some strange health issues for the past year, since about Jan/Feb of 2012. I've been to my PCP, a gastroenterologist (actually 2 GI docs and a GI nurse practicitioner) and an endocrinologist. I've been prescribed about ten different medications (not to mention the ones that I didn't even bother filling), none of which did a thing to help me. Which on a side note, can I just mention how disturbing it is how many times you are offered anti-depressants/anti-anxiety medications, etc. as a treatment option for real physical symptoms? It's crazy. Anyway, I now owe the hospital system several hundred dollars for absolutely NOTHING.
It started in January when I started having a dull pain under my last rib on the left side. It was sporatic and not too intense so I didn't pay it much attention at first. In fact, I went on a mission trip in end of Feb/beginning of March and was fine. But by the time I came back from the trip, the pain had gotten more frequent and soon I started having problems with constipation, bloating and a lot of "gurgliness" in my side and stomach. When I went to the GI doctor that had done my colonoscopy in December (which was just a preventative measure at that point... I didn't even have any of my symptoms yet) and told him about the pain in my side, he said he thought I had pulled a muscle and to put ice on it and take Advil. WOW. So eventually in May, I saw a GI nurse practicitioner in the doctor's office where I worked. She did x-rays, had me drink several lovely concoctions, take several medications and even go for a not-so-fun "cleaning out" and literally 15 minutes after I left that procedure, clean as a whistle, I had the pain in my side while standing in line at a grocery store. Hmm... guess that had nothing to do with the pain, huh? The GI doctor that she worked with then prescribed me more medications and did an ultrasound, said he saw nothing and sent me on my merry way. I went to the endocrinologist to see if any of it could be thyroid-related since my symptoms seemed to match up with that and was again told, everything looks normal. At this point, I had pretty much given up although my symptoms hadn't gotten any better, in fact, they actually got worse.
Besides the pain in my side, the constipation, bloating and gurgliness, my anxiety has come back, I feel strangely down/blah most of the time, I have shakiness/tremors, frequent urination, trouble sleeping, can't concentrate or focus like normal and am SO TIRED 24/7, I can hardly do my normal routine much less anything like exercise. I never sleep through the night anymore, I get winded just bending over to pull the laundry out of the washer and when I stand (yes, just stand) for too long... say, like the time it takes me to take a shower, my legs feel so tired you would think I had just run a marathon. I'll wake up in the morning and feel like I haven't slept in days. I don't have an "afternoon crash", I basically have a morning one, an afternoon one and a night one cuz I'm tired ALL day. I can't remember anything anymore without writing it down and just focusing on something is an effort. Not to mention the time I left for work in the morning and couldn't figure out where to turn onto the highway. Yes, the highway I drive every single day... it's like my brain forgot where the entrance ramp was.
At first, I gained like 15lbs out of nowhere too, although I'm not sure if it's all still there (I don't own a working scale) but my stomach/waist is always distended so all of my clothes that just fit me last season don't fit me this year. And the worst part is, you get so sick and tired of feeling sick and tired, that you stop wanting to even do anything. I worry that my friends won't even ask me to do anything anymore because of how many times I've said no or cancelled at the last minute from not feeling good. It sucks because I'm sure to just look at me, I probably look fine (although I can tell the difference when I look at myself in the mirror) but half the time, I just feel BLEH. I think I understand what people with chronic pain must feel like. Not that I at all compare my issues with theirs, but that I can understand what it feels like to not have "visible" symptoms. And then of course, I start to feel bad for feeling bad because I know how much worse it could be and how people with terminal illnesses can only wish to have the "issues" that I do. And so the cycle goes round and round.
So about a month and a half ago, I decided to go to a naturopathic doctor. Pretty much as a last resort. At the first meeting, I had a better feeling than I ever had at one of the "conventional" doctor's offices. He gave me SO much information that most of it went over my head but I felt like he at least had a clue. He sent me for a couple blood tests and I got all of my records from the other docs for my next appt. At that appt, he again gave me more information than my brain could handle, but he said my bloodwork clearly matched up with the symptoms I was complaining of and... surprise! I wasn't crazy. Well hallelujah. He said he could tell off the bat, I have issues with my blood sugar, have an autoimmune disorder (although he couldn't say for sure which one specifically without further testing), have adrenal/thyroid issues (yes, the numbers traditional doctors use when they decide what's "normal" are not always accurate) and he thinks I have what's called "leaky gut syndrome." I didn't quite get all of what that is but something about the membrane that lines my intestinal tract is not intact so things get across it that shouldn't. So basically, bad things can get in and good things can get out. He said my body doesn't break down nutrients properly so I'm barely getting any essential nutrients from my food and on top of that, he thinks I may have some food allergies so my body is most likely wasting a ton of energy attacking itself every time I eat the "wrong" thing. Oh and, my white blood cell count is elevated (which again, all the other doctors missed) which is a sign of a chronic infection. He wasn't sure exactly what it was again without further testing.
HUH. Gee I wonder why I've been feeling like crap lately.
So what's the solution? Well to start with , there are supplements. I'm taking a probiotic, two other oral supplements, a lotion supplement and drinking a lovely concoction called Repairvite that is like caramel-flavored sand that dissolves in hot water. Yum. Then there's the diet. I wasn't the ideal patient since I decided to wait until after Christmas/New Years to start the diet. I figured it would just be too hard with all the parties and food everywhere. So I started on January 1 and this will be my life for the next 2 months:
What I can eat:
-Meat (antibiotic free, hormone free, grass fed beef, chicken, turkey and fish)
-Certain veggies
-Certain fruits
-Coconut
-Fermented foods (pickles, sauerkraut, kombucha tea)
-Yam noodles
-Olive oil
-Spices
And THAT'S IT. So to make that more clear, here's what I can't eat:
-Other vegetables like potatoes, peas, green beans, etc.
-Other fruits like bananas, pineapples, mangoes, etc.
-Any dairy products
-Any grains including oats, quinoa, wheat, etc.
-Any sugars including agave, honey, chocolate, etc.
-Eggs
-Nightshade foods including tomatoes, eggplant, tobasco, peppers, etc.
-Condiments
-Beans
-Nuts
-Soy
-Coffee
-Alcohol
Yea basically, 95% of the grocery store. So for this week, I have mostly been eating berries, turkey sausage, avacados, chicken, spinach, sweet potatoes and broccoli. And I have come to the conclusion that I am just going to eat to sustain my life for the next 2 months, not to enjoy it. ;) And if it works and it actually changes how I feel, IT WILL BE WORTH IT.
I read a bunch of posts about this diet on the internet the other night and I was inspired. Most people that said they had done this diet said it was awesome or "life changing" and all of them said they had the same symptoms as me... GI problems, fatigue, anxiety, depression, brain fog, etc. I found one girl who said she was going to blog about her experience but never posted again after the first day. So that gave me the idea to do this. I love to write and I'm doing the diet, so I may as well share it! I'm not very educated on how to get my blog out there to the people at large though, so I hope maybe it will come up for them in a search like it did for me cuz I'd love to hear from other people that have had similar experiences or are doing the diet too! And I hope to keep up with updates about how it's going for me.
So goodnight for now... wish me luck!
For those of you that don't know, I've been having some strange health issues for the past year, since about Jan/Feb of 2012. I've been to my PCP, a gastroenterologist (actually 2 GI docs and a GI nurse practicitioner) and an endocrinologist. I've been prescribed about ten different medications (not to mention the ones that I didn't even bother filling), none of which did a thing to help me. Which on a side note, can I just mention how disturbing it is how many times you are offered anti-depressants/anti-anxiety medications, etc. as a treatment option for real physical symptoms? It's crazy. Anyway, I now owe the hospital system several hundred dollars for absolutely NOTHING.
It started in January when I started having a dull pain under my last rib on the left side. It was sporatic and not too intense so I didn't pay it much attention at first. In fact, I went on a mission trip in end of Feb/beginning of March and was fine. But by the time I came back from the trip, the pain had gotten more frequent and soon I started having problems with constipation, bloating and a lot of "gurgliness" in my side and stomach. When I went to the GI doctor that had done my colonoscopy in December (which was just a preventative measure at that point... I didn't even have any of my symptoms yet) and told him about the pain in my side, he said he thought I had pulled a muscle and to put ice on it and take Advil. WOW. So eventually in May, I saw a GI nurse practicitioner in the doctor's office where I worked. She did x-rays, had me drink several lovely concoctions, take several medications and even go for a not-so-fun "cleaning out" and literally 15 minutes after I left that procedure, clean as a whistle, I had the pain in my side while standing in line at a grocery store. Hmm... guess that had nothing to do with the pain, huh? The GI doctor that she worked with then prescribed me more medications and did an ultrasound, said he saw nothing and sent me on my merry way. I went to the endocrinologist to see if any of it could be thyroid-related since my symptoms seemed to match up with that and was again told, everything looks normal. At this point, I had pretty much given up although my symptoms hadn't gotten any better, in fact, they actually got worse.
Besides the pain in my side, the constipation, bloating and gurgliness, my anxiety has come back, I feel strangely down/blah most of the time, I have shakiness/tremors, frequent urination, trouble sleeping, can't concentrate or focus like normal and am SO TIRED 24/7, I can hardly do my normal routine much less anything like exercise. I never sleep through the night anymore, I get winded just bending over to pull the laundry out of the washer and when I stand (yes, just stand) for too long... say, like the time it takes me to take a shower, my legs feel so tired you would think I had just run a marathon. I'll wake up in the morning and feel like I haven't slept in days. I don't have an "afternoon crash", I basically have a morning one, an afternoon one and a night one cuz I'm tired ALL day. I can't remember anything anymore without writing it down and just focusing on something is an effort. Not to mention the time I left for work in the morning and couldn't figure out where to turn onto the highway. Yes, the highway I drive every single day... it's like my brain forgot where the entrance ramp was.
At first, I gained like 15lbs out of nowhere too, although I'm not sure if it's all still there (I don't own a working scale) but my stomach/waist is always distended so all of my clothes that just fit me last season don't fit me this year. And the worst part is, you get so sick and tired of feeling sick and tired, that you stop wanting to even do anything. I worry that my friends won't even ask me to do anything anymore because of how many times I've said no or cancelled at the last minute from not feeling good. It sucks because I'm sure to just look at me, I probably look fine (although I can tell the difference when I look at myself in the mirror) but half the time, I just feel BLEH. I think I understand what people with chronic pain must feel like. Not that I at all compare my issues with theirs, but that I can understand what it feels like to not have "visible" symptoms. And then of course, I start to feel bad for feeling bad because I know how much worse it could be and how people with terminal illnesses can only wish to have the "issues" that I do. And so the cycle goes round and round.
So about a month and a half ago, I decided to go to a naturopathic doctor. Pretty much as a last resort. At the first meeting, I had a better feeling than I ever had at one of the "conventional" doctor's offices. He gave me SO much information that most of it went over my head but I felt like he at least had a clue. He sent me for a couple blood tests and I got all of my records from the other docs for my next appt. At that appt, he again gave me more information than my brain could handle, but he said my bloodwork clearly matched up with the symptoms I was complaining of and... surprise! I wasn't crazy. Well hallelujah. He said he could tell off the bat, I have issues with my blood sugar, have an autoimmune disorder (although he couldn't say for sure which one specifically without further testing), have adrenal/thyroid issues (yes, the numbers traditional doctors use when they decide what's "normal" are not always accurate) and he thinks I have what's called "leaky gut syndrome." I didn't quite get all of what that is but something about the membrane that lines my intestinal tract is not intact so things get across it that shouldn't. So basically, bad things can get in and good things can get out. He said my body doesn't break down nutrients properly so I'm barely getting any essential nutrients from my food and on top of that, he thinks I may have some food allergies so my body is most likely wasting a ton of energy attacking itself every time I eat the "wrong" thing. Oh and, my white blood cell count is elevated (which again, all the other doctors missed) which is a sign of a chronic infection. He wasn't sure exactly what it was again without further testing.
HUH. Gee I wonder why I've been feeling like crap lately.
So what's the solution? Well to start with , there are supplements. I'm taking a probiotic, two other oral supplements, a lotion supplement and drinking a lovely concoction called Repairvite that is like caramel-flavored sand that dissolves in hot water. Yum. Then there's the diet. I wasn't the ideal patient since I decided to wait until after Christmas/New Years to start the diet. I figured it would just be too hard with all the parties and food everywhere. So I started on January 1 and this will be my life for the next 2 months:
What I can eat:
-Meat (antibiotic free, hormone free, grass fed beef, chicken, turkey and fish)
-Certain veggies
-Certain fruits
-Coconut
-Fermented foods (pickles, sauerkraut, kombucha tea)
-Yam noodles
-Olive oil
-Spices
And THAT'S IT. So to make that more clear, here's what I can't eat:
-Other vegetables like potatoes, peas, green beans, etc.
-Other fruits like bananas, pineapples, mangoes, etc.
-Any dairy products
-Any grains including oats, quinoa, wheat, etc.
-Any sugars including agave, honey, chocolate, etc.
-Eggs
-Nightshade foods including tomatoes, eggplant, tobasco, peppers, etc.
-Condiments
-Beans
-Nuts
-Soy
-Coffee
-Alcohol
Yea basically, 95% of the grocery store. So for this week, I have mostly been eating berries, turkey sausage, avacados, chicken, spinach, sweet potatoes and broccoli. And I have come to the conclusion that I am just going to eat to sustain my life for the next 2 months, not to enjoy it. ;) And if it works and it actually changes how I feel, IT WILL BE WORTH IT.
I read a bunch of posts about this diet on the internet the other night and I was inspired. Most people that said they had done this diet said it was awesome or "life changing" and all of them said they had the same symptoms as me... GI problems, fatigue, anxiety, depression, brain fog, etc. I found one girl who said she was going to blog about her experience but never posted again after the first day. So that gave me the idea to do this. I love to write and I'm doing the diet, so I may as well share it! I'm not very educated on how to get my blog out there to the people at large though, so I hope maybe it will come up for them in a search like it did for me cuz I'd love to hear from other people that have had similar experiences or are doing the diet too! And I hope to keep up with updates about how it's going for me.
So goodnight for now... wish me luck!
Saturday, March 31, 2012
From The Inside...
Well this blog has been on my heart for awhile now and I've been putting it off since I've been "busy." Which I really have, but I'm sure on some level, I probably wasn't all too thrilled to write it. It's kind of a mixed emotion... I am very motivated to write this because I think it is SO important for people to hear this stuff, both for those who are in a similar situation to know that they aren't alone and for those that know someone in a similar situation so they can maybe understand something they may not have otherwise. But it's also not the most fun thing in the world to go back to a place you had to fight to get out of. With that said, here is the view of an abusive relationship FROM THE INSIDE.
For those of you reading this that don't know me well, I'll give you just a little background first. I have never been a "casual dater." I never really had a serious relationship before him (I'll refrain from using his name) and it was completely by choice. I dated guys sure but if I knew after one or two dates that it wasn't really going to go anywhere, that was it. I never had really been in love and was again, quite alright with that. I had a great single life and enjoyed my time with my friends and the few dates that I did go out on. So when I met him at the age of 30, I thought he was the "one." Everything that I had avoided before... meeting the parents, meeting the friends, staying over, letting him see me without makeup, saying "I love you"... it all came so easily and we had so many "signs" constantly from the universe around us that it seemed obvious that we were meant to be. And just like anyone else this happens to, I was ecstatically happy. The world seemed more colorful, every song on the radio seemed it was written just for us and I envisioned a happy life with marriage, children and growing old together.
Now here's the first thing I want to "explain" (if that is even possible) about being in an abusive relationship. The abusive person is not abusive in the beginning. Obviously. They're not even a glimpse of that person. For all intensive purposes, they seem wonderful and perfectly normal. More importantly, it's not like one day they just haul off and hit you (or call you something horrible in the case of verbal abuse). It is a slow and gradual change that sometimes is so drawn out, the person involved doesn't even realize it is happening. I can honestly say to this day, I don't understand how I got from time A (normal, happy relationship) to time B (nightmare life). Everyone thinks "I'd never end up in a situation like that!" or "The first time someone hit (or verbally abused) me, I'd be out of there!" or something very similar. But the truth is, YOU DO NOT KNOW UNTIL YOU ARE IN THAT SITUATION. I certainly never thought "yea, I might end up in an abusive relationship one day!" If anything, having grown up in a verbally abusive home, I surely thought I would be extra-careful not to end up in a similar situation. But this is not like you go out with someone and on the first date, he calls you a name or shoves you across the room. You'd surely run out of that restaurant and never look back, right? This is months (sometimes years) into a committed, serious relationship with someone you love and adore. Many people still at this point may have trouble understanding this and I completely get that. That is exactly the problem with the situation... IT DOESN'T MAKE SENSE.
Often times, the first time something happens, you are left confused and hurt, but your automatic reaction is to, in the end, forgive. Now here is where I have to stress that I can only speak from MY experience, at the level which I experienced abuse, with the dynamics in MY relationship. Women (and men) experience all different levels of abuse, many of which are ten times more violent and frightening then what I experienced. In that way, I was lucky. So for those people, there is probably a huge element of FEAR keeping them in their situations. For me, the dynamic was always one where it was made known that it was NOT okay, there were apologies and forgiveness and promises of change. That is another common thread in abusive relationships, the abuser feels bad for what they have done (and I do believe the feelings can be genuine) and wants to change so they beg for forgiveness and even take steps toward getting better - counseling, medications, etc. If you are a codependent (which many people in abusive relationships are), this is exactly what you need and want to hear. You want to help this person because you love them and you genuinely believe they are suffering and need to get help (which they do). So you work extra hard to help them get better. If you have been or are in this situation and have done this, YOU ARE NOT A BAD PERSON, STUPID OR GULLIBLE. Do not believe this from other people and do not tell yourself this. You are a very caring person and you just are hoping to get the person back that you love and that usually, you have when things aren't "bad."
Again, I will stress that this is what I experienced in my relationship but many times (especially in verbally abusive relationships), the dynamic is the same. The abuser is not abusive all the time. In fact, it's probably not even 50% of the time. Obviously if they were, it'd be a lot easier to leave them. Instead, in a lot of relationships (like mine), the person you first fell in love with is still there. You still enjoy talking to them, going places with them and being affectionate with them. The abusiveness seems to occur in isolated incidents, which makes it all that much easier to believe that it's not who they really are. You truly believe that the person you see before and after an "incident" is the real person and for whatever reason, something else takes over during the abuse. In my situation, it was something he held dealt with most of his life. He ended up confessing later that his "temper" was something that had affected his relationships before ours and he wanted help. Another factor that played into our situation was the fact that he (like I) had grown up in a verbally abusive home as well (never underestimate the power of underlying childhood experiences). Now, although I do still believe to this day that he was genuinely sorry and genuinely wanted to be different and not hurt me, it is important to point out that you can't separate the abusiveness from the abuser. Whether or not they want to be like they are, the abuser IS who they really are. This IS the person you fell in love with and that is probably the hardest thing you have to try to comprehend. It's probably a defense mechanism on some level, but I cannot explain how difficult it is to not separate the two in your mind. To give you an idea, think about your spouse or significant other right now. It doesn't matter if you've been with them a year or 30 years. Try to imagine that person that you love and share life with, suddenly pushing you just a little too hard or saying something nasty to you. Does it seem utterly impossible? Or confusing even to think about? Exactly.
The other main thing that plays into the longevity of an abusive relationship is the breakdown that takes place in your spirit. The biggest change that takes place in this kind of relationship is the personality of the abused person. There is not a "type" of person that can be or will allow themselves to be abused. ANYONE can end up in an abusive relationship. In fact, probably every person reading this knows someone whose life has been touched somehow by abuse. The abused can be poor or rich, all races, all ages, a waitress or a CEO, a college graduate or a high school dropout. What happens for all of them though is a gradual wearing down that eventually leads to a mode best described as "survival." For me, I was a super-independent person that had always lived on my own, had good jobs, was pretty financially responsible, was spiritual, had a lot of friends and quite a spunky attitude if I do say so myself. But with months or years of growing stress and endless amounts of energy being spent of trying to "save" the relationship, your spirit gradually gets beaten down until all you want to do is get through the day without anything bad happening.
Now having just said that last sentence, I know there are still many people out there that "don't get it." I don't blame you. The problem is you're trying to make sense of something that's senseless. You're trying to see something as black and white that is anything but. Even having been through an abusive relationship, it's still hard for me to really understand parts of it. But as I did tell a family member once during a brief moment of awareness while I was in the thick of it, "you are trying to talk to the rational Jenn that you know and I am not her right now." That is one of the most important things I could say to someone whose friend or family member is in an abusive relationship... do not try to make sense for, rationalize with, argue with or patronize the person you love. They are in a terribly emotional, complicated, painful and confusing situation and having someone make them feel stupid is the last thing they need. Of course you can (and should) still stress how wrong it is and how much they deserve better. Just have patience if you find yourself saying it over and over. Your loved one may indeed be making no sense to you, telling you things that are painful to hear or telling you the same things for what seems like the 400th time, but the best thing you can do is just BE THERE. This is probably the most important thing I can tell anyone who knows someone in an abusive relationship... DON'T LEAVE. I remember being on speakerphone with someone from a women's shelter/support group while my mom was listening. It was about 2-2 1/2 years into my relationship and I was still talking to him and my mother was at her wit's end. For whatever reason, I had called their hotline for some sort of help and I remember the woman saying to my mom (with me listening) "Don't drop out of the picture. Everyone else will so it's critical that you don't." I don't think it even registered to me at the time, but she was exactly right. I lost some of the most significant relationships in my life. I will say, being "out of the fog" now... I can understand why people may leave. I'm sure it is impossibly frustrating to hear someone you care about stay in a bad situation. Maybe it hurts, maybe it stresses you out, maybe it frustrates you, or a combination of them all. I have been in support groups and heard others' stories and can acknowledge how draining they sometimes sound. But, I will repeat what that woman said to my mom on the phone way back when... DON'T LEAVE. You don't have to agree with what they're doing or even like it, just support them. However you can.
The other thing that I experienced myself that I have also since learned is very common in these situations is for 1) the abused person to be called selfish and 2) the abused person to want desperately to meet everyone's approval. It pains me now to discuss these types of things with my counselor (who I still see 4 years later). I know how utterly hopeless, helpless and desperate someone can feel in these situations. I know how badly you just want your relationship to be normal and how hard you work for that to happen. And I know how deeply you can care about people - both the person you're in the relationship with and the other people in your life, your friends and family. So I know how painful it is in the midst of all of that to be called selfish. Again, I am not placing blame, as I can say I can probably understand where that comes from too. If you are talking to your loved one and all they are doing constantly is talking about their relationship, their struggles and their issues, it can seem like they are very self-centered. But the best way I can explain it is, the relationship DOES become your life. It is a 24/7 stressor that you never get a break from. And for some people, the short amount of time they get to talk to a family member or friend (because usually these relationships become very isolating over time as a result of trying to keep the peace and not "rock the boat") is the only break they get in a whole day. The time they have on the phone or in person with you may be the only chance they have to decompress and vent all of the insanity they have to try to hold in on a daily basis. Yes, this is often focused just on them and it may be frustrating especially if you haven't even seen or heard from your loved one in weeks or months (again with the isolation). BUT, it is NOT coming from a place of intentional selfishness. The person who is talking this way is usually not even aware they are doing it. I know this both as the person who's done it, and since then, who has listened to others in the same situation. All you can do is ramble on, sometimes desperately for hours, trying to get some sort of understanding, advice, or even just a listening ear. And if you are the one in this situation right now, please know that it is not just you. There are endless numbers of support groups, online message boards and counseling offices full of women saying the same things and sounding the same way. It is another part of the dynamic that goes on in these situations. And the up side is, IT WON'T LAST! Once you really end the relationship, you will stop dwelling on it, you will stop needing to rehash it in an effort to make sense of it and hopefully if you're lucky, you will be able to reach out to others later and help them realize the same thing! :)
The other part is that often the abused person is desperate to meet everyone's approval, even in the midst of a nightmare. Right after having been through the worst night of my life, where the abuse reached an all-time high and ended with him in jail, part of my thoughts were consumed with whether or not people were mad at me for calling the police. I never doubted whether or not calling the police was the right thing. I knew it was but I was very concerned with how everyone else felt about it. This seems absolutely ludicrous to me now that I even had to worry about that, but unfortunately it is also very common. Just as I experienced first-hand, there will always be some people (in my case, his family members and friends) that will make themselves completely blind to the actual severity of the abuse and blame the victim for "overreacting" or in my case, calling the police just to be "vengeful." It is another part of domestic violence that angers and sickens me. So to all of you that are in this type of situation, PLEASE know that you are NOT to blame for your abuser's behavior and you are NOT wrong for protecting yourself. There is always going to be someone unfortunately that will try to make you question this or hurt you by acting blind to the truth, but PLEASE do not doubt yourself. Stand strong.
Abusive relationships will always hurt. Physically, verbally, emotionally. Once the relationship ends and the wounds begin to heal, there will be a grieving process that has to take place. For the abused person and their family and friends, there has to be a realization that a great loss has occurred. The grieving is similar to a divorce or even a death and it has to be allowed to properly run its course. Don't try to rush it or "snap out of it." I was not even aware until recently that often people coming out of abused relationships experience PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder). I always associated PTSD with soldiers coming home from war and never even thought about it in relation to myself but have found out that it is common and can manifest itself in many ways. That is why it is so important to take the time and make the effort to let yourself heal properly. And those of you on the outside, please don't downplay your loved one's experience. Realize it for the traumatic experience that it is.
I was "lucky" (if you can call it that) that my experience with domestic abuse wasn't as bad as it could've been. I did a fundraising walk for domestic violence last year and just in that one day, heard stories that are absolutely devastating. It still is hard for me to even use the words "abusive relationship" because I can still feel that natural tendency sometimes to want to downplay things or just talk about all the "good times." But I do feel like it is my duty and responsibility, having come through such a situation, to reach out to others that are in a similar situation or knows someone who is. If I can help even one person not to feel alone or one person to understand their loved one just a little, I will have done my job. It is an exposing thing to write a blog like this, but too often the issue is hidden and not talked about and that needs to change. The fundraising walk that I spoke of isn't happening this year since they're large corporate sponsor (who I won't name) backed out and the shelter I still go to for counseling struggles every day for funding. Unfortunately, the issue often gets overlooked but there are always small ways to help. Donate some time, money or supplies to a local shelter or safehouse. Raise funds. Offer support.
And for those of you still "on the inside"... hang in there. Be strong. Breathe. Pray every day. Take small steps. YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOU REALIZE. Remember who you are and what you deserve. Keep going.
You will get to the outside.
For those of you reading this that don't know me well, I'll give you just a little background first. I have never been a "casual dater." I never really had a serious relationship before him (I'll refrain from using his name) and it was completely by choice. I dated guys sure but if I knew after one or two dates that it wasn't really going to go anywhere, that was it. I never had really been in love and was again, quite alright with that. I had a great single life and enjoyed my time with my friends and the few dates that I did go out on. So when I met him at the age of 30, I thought he was the "one." Everything that I had avoided before... meeting the parents, meeting the friends, staying over, letting him see me without makeup, saying "I love you"... it all came so easily and we had so many "signs" constantly from the universe around us that it seemed obvious that we were meant to be. And just like anyone else this happens to, I was ecstatically happy. The world seemed more colorful, every song on the radio seemed it was written just for us and I envisioned a happy life with marriage, children and growing old together.
Now here's the first thing I want to "explain" (if that is even possible) about being in an abusive relationship. The abusive person is not abusive in the beginning. Obviously. They're not even a glimpse of that person. For all intensive purposes, they seem wonderful and perfectly normal. More importantly, it's not like one day they just haul off and hit you (or call you something horrible in the case of verbal abuse). It is a slow and gradual change that sometimes is so drawn out, the person involved doesn't even realize it is happening. I can honestly say to this day, I don't understand how I got from time A (normal, happy relationship) to time B (nightmare life). Everyone thinks "I'd never end up in a situation like that!" or "The first time someone hit (or verbally abused) me, I'd be out of there!" or something very similar. But the truth is, YOU DO NOT KNOW UNTIL YOU ARE IN THAT SITUATION. I certainly never thought "yea, I might end up in an abusive relationship one day!" If anything, having grown up in a verbally abusive home, I surely thought I would be extra-careful not to end up in a similar situation. But this is not like you go out with someone and on the first date, he calls you a name or shoves you across the room. You'd surely run out of that restaurant and never look back, right? This is months (sometimes years) into a committed, serious relationship with someone you love and adore. Many people still at this point may have trouble understanding this and I completely get that. That is exactly the problem with the situation... IT DOESN'T MAKE SENSE.
Often times, the first time something happens, you are left confused and hurt, but your automatic reaction is to, in the end, forgive. Now here is where I have to stress that I can only speak from MY experience, at the level which I experienced abuse, with the dynamics in MY relationship. Women (and men) experience all different levels of abuse, many of which are ten times more violent and frightening then what I experienced. In that way, I was lucky. So for those people, there is probably a huge element of FEAR keeping them in their situations. For me, the dynamic was always one where it was made known that it was NOT okay, there were apologies and forgiveness and promises of change. That is another common thread in abusive relationships, the abuser feels bad for what they have done (and I do believe the feelings can be genuine) and wants to change so they beg for forgiveness and even take steps toward getting better - counseling, medications, etc. If you are a codependent (which many people in abusive relationships are), this is exactly what you need and want to hear. You want to help this person because you love them and you genuinely believe they are suffering and need to get help (which they do). So you work extra hard to help them get better. If you have been or are in this situation and have done this, YOU ARE NOT A BAD PERSON, STUPID OR GULLIBLE. Do not believe this from other people and do not tell yourself this. You are a very caring person and you just are hoping to get the person back that you love and that usually, you have when things aren't "bad."
Again, I will stress that this is what I experienced in my relationship but many times (especially in verbally abusive relationships), the dynamic is the same. The abuser is not abusive all the time. In fact, it's probably not even 50% of the time. Obviously if they were, it'd be a lot easier to leave them. Instead, in a lot of relationships (like mine), the person you first fell in love with is still there. You still enjoy talking to them, going places with them and being affectionate with them. The abusiveness seems to occur in isolated incidents, which makes it all that much easier to believe that it's not who they really are. You truly believe that the person you see before and after an "incident" is the real person and for whatever reason, something else takes over during the abuse. In my situation, it was something he held dealt with most of his life. He ended up confessing later that his "temper" was something that had affected his relationships before ours and he wanted help. Another factor that played into our situation was the fact that he (like I) had grown up in a verbally abusive home as well (never underestimate the power of underlying childhood experiences). Now, although I do still believe to this day that he was genuinely sorry and genuinely wanted to be different and not hurt me, it is important to point out that you can't separate the abusiveness from the abuser. Whether or not they want to be like they are, the abuser IS who they really are. This IS the person you fell in love with and that is probably the hardest thing you have to try to comprehend. It's probably a defense mechanism on some level, but I cannot explain how difficult it is to not separate the two in your mind. To give you an idea, think about your spouse or significant other right now. It doesn't matter if you've been with them a year or 30 years. Try to imagine that person that you love and share life with, suddenly pushing you just a little too hard or saying something nasty to you. Does it seem utterly impossible? Or confusing even to think about? Exactly.
The other main thing that plays into the longevity of an abusive relationship is the breakdown that takes place in your spirit. The biggest change that takes place in this kind of relationship is the personality of the abused person. There is not a "type" of person that can be or will allow themselves to be abused. ANYONE can end up in an abusive relationship. In fact, probably every person reading this knows someone whose life has been touched somehow by abuse. The abused can be poor or rich, all races, all ages, a waitress or a CEO, a college graduate or a high school dropout. What happens for all of them though is a gradual wearing down that eventually leads to a mode best described as "survival." For me, I was a super-independent person that had always lived on my own, had good jobs, was pretty financially responsible, was spiritual, had a lot of friends and quite a spunky attitude if I do say so myself. But with months or years of growing stress and endless amounts of energy being spent of trying to "save" the relationship, your spirit gradually gets beaten down until all you want to do is get through the day without anything bad happening.
Now having just said that last sentence, I know there are still many people out there that "don't get it." I don't blame you. The problem is you're trying to make sense of something that's senseless. You're trying to see something as black and white that is anything but. Even having been through an abusive relationship, it's still hard for me to really understand parts of it. But as I did tell a family member once during a brief moment of awareness while I was in the thick of it, "you are trying to talk to the rational Jenn that you know and I am not her right now." That is one of the most important things I could say to someone whose friend or family member is in an abusive relationship... do not try to make sense for, rationalize with, argue with or patronize the person you love. They are in a terribly emotional, complicated, painful and confusing situation and having someone make them feel stupid is the last thing they need. Of course you can (and should) still stress how wrong it is and how much they deserve better. Just have patience if you find yourself saying it over and over. Your loved one may indeed be making no sense to you, telling you things that are painful to hear or telling you the same things for what seems like the 400th time, but the best thing you can do is just BE THERE. This is probably the most important thing I can tell anyone who knows someone in an abusive relationship... DON'T LEAVE. I remember being on speakerphone with someone from a women's shelter/support group while my mom was listening. It was about 2-2 1/2 years into my relationship and I was still talking to him and my mother was at her wit's end. For whatever reason, I had called their hotline for some sort of help and I remember the woman saying to my mom (with me listening) "Don't drop out of the picture. Everyone else will so it's critical that you don't." I don't think it even registered to me at the time, but she was exactly right. I lost some of the most significant relationships in my life. I will say, being "out of the fog" now... I can understand why people may leave. I'm sure it is impossibly frustrating to hear someone you care about stay in a bad situation. Maybe it hurts, maybe it stresses you out, maybe it frustrates you, or a combination of them all. I have been in support groups and heard others' stories and can acknowledge how draining they sometimes sound. But, I will repeat what that woman said to my mom on the phone way back when... DON'T LEAVE. You don't have to agree with what they're doing or even like it, just support them. However you can.
The other thing that I experienced myself that I have also since learned is very common in these situations is for 1) the abused person to be called selfish and 2) the abused person to want desperately to meet everyone's approval. It pains me now to discuss these types of things with my counselor (who I still see 4 years later). I know how utterly hopeless, helpless and desperate someone can feel in these situations. I know how badly you just want your relationship to be normal and how hard you work for that to happen. And I know how deeply you can care about people - both the person you're in the relationship with and the other people in your life, your friends and family. So I know how painful it is in the midst of all of that to be called selfish. Again, I am not placing blame, as I can say I can probably understand where that comes from too. If you are talking to your loved one and all they are doing constantly is talking about their relationship, their struggles and their issues, it can seem like they are very self-centered. But the best way I can explain it is, the relationship DOES become your life. It is a 24/7 stressor that you never get a break from. And for some people, the short amount of time they get to talk to a family member or friend (because usually these relationships become very isolating over time as a result of trying to keep the peace and not "rock the boat") is the only break they get in a whole day. The time they have on the phone or in person with you may be the only chance they have to decompress and vent all of the insanity they have to try to hold in on a daily basis. Yes, this is often focused just on them and it may be frustrating especially if you haven't even seen or heard from your loved one in weeks or months (again with the isolation). BUT, it is NOT coming from a place of intentional selfishness. The person who is talking this way is usually not even aware they are doing it. I know this both as the person who's done it, and since then, who has listened to others in the same situation. All you can do is ramble on, sometimes desperately for hours, trying to get some sort of understanding, advice, or even just a listening ear. And if you are the one in this situation right now, please know that it is not just you. There are endless numbers of support groups, online message boards and counseling offices full of women saying the same things and sounding the same way. It is another part of the dynamic that goes on in these situations. And the up side is, IT WON'T LAST! Once you really end the relationship, you will stop dwelling on it, you will stop needing to rehash it in an effort to make sense of it and hopefully if you're lucky, you will be able to reach out to others later and help them realize the same thing! :)
The other part is that often the abused person is desperate to meet everyone's approval, even in the midst of a nightmare. Right after having been through the worst night of my life, where the abuse reached an all-time high and ended with him in jail, part of my thoughts were consumed with whether or not people were mad at me for calling the police. I never doubted whether or not calling the police was the right thing. I knew it was but I was very concerned with how everyone else felt about it. This seems absolutely ludicrous to me now that I even had to worry about that, but unfortunately it is also very common. Just as I experienced first-hand, there will always be some people (in my case, his family members and friends) that will make themselves completely blind to the actual severity of the abuse and blame the victim for "overreacting" or in my case, calling the police just to be "vengeful." It is another part of domestic violence that angers and sickens me. So to all of you that are in this type of situation, PLEASE know that you are NOT to blame for your abuser's behavior and you are NOT wrong for protecting yourself. There is always going to be someone unfortunately that will try to make you question this or hurt you by acting blind to the truth, but PLEASE do not doubt yourself. Stand strong.
Abusive relationships will always hurt. Physically, verbally, emotionally. Once the relationship ends and the wounds begin to heal, there will be a grieving process that has to take place. For the abused person and their family and friends, there has to be a realization that a great loss has occurred. The grieving is similar to a divorce or even a death and it has to be allowed to properly run its course. Don't try to rush it or "snap out of it." I was not even aware until recently that often people coming out of abused relationships experience PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder). I always associated PTSD with soldiers coming home from war and never even thought about it in relation to myself but have found out that it is common and can manifest itself in many ways. That is why it is so important to take the time and make the effort to let yourself heal properly. And those of you on the outside, please don't downplay your loved one's experience. Realize it for the traumatic experience that it is.
I was "lucky" (if you can call it that) that my experience with domestic abuse wasn't as bad as it could've been. I did a fundraising walk for domestic violence last year and just in that one day, heard stories that are absolutely devastating. It still is hard for me to even use the words "abusive relationship" because I can still feel that natural tendency sometimes to want to downplay things or just talk about all the "good times." But I do feel like it is my duty and responsibility, having come through such a situation, to reach out to others that are in a similar situation or knows someone who is. If I can help even one person not to feel alone or one person to understand their loved one just a little, I will have done my job. It is an exposing thing to write a blog like this, but too often the issue is hidden and not talked about and that needs to change. The fundraising walk that I spoke of isn't happening this year since they're large corporate sponsor (who I won't name) backed out and the shelter I still go to for counseling struggles every day for funding. Unfortunately, the issue often gets overlooked but there are always small ways to help. Donate some time, money or supplies to a local shelter or safehouse. Raise funds. Offer support.
And for those of you still "on the inside"... hang in there. Be strong. Breathe. Pray every day. Take small steps. YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOU REALIZE. Remember who you are and what you deserve. Keep going.
You will get to the outside.
Sunday, February 19, 2012
Winning the War
It is 6 days until I leave for my mission trip to Honduras. I have all my supplies stacked neatly in the corner of my room. Travel-size toiletries, check. Medicines and shots, check. Passport, check. Satan's attacks, check.
Oh yes... Satan. Boy does he start throwing a tantrum when you set out to do good things for God. He's consistently showed up in the past, kicking his feet and whining and throwing his toys at me from across the room. And I will admit, in the past he has won a couple battles, but he will NEVER win the war.
See, this is the thing he doesn't seem to get. I have God on my side. God is in my heart, my mind, my soul, my every breath. You can point out my flaws or throw obstacles in my way and yes, you may succeed at making things a little more difficult. But you will never stop me from spreading God's love and shining His light.
We mustn't underestimate how much we will be attacked when we are working for God. Nothing is safe... your feelings, your finances, your family, your friends. It may seem as if God went on a vaca and forgot all about you. But in reality, it is quite the opposite. God is like your coach over in the corner, while you're poised in the middle of the octagon. (Ok, sorry, random UFC reference, but hey, the analogy works) He knows how strong you are, He knows your heart and He knows you can defeat anything Satan may try to throw at you.
I have had my share of obstacles come my way in regard to this mission trip, some big and some small. But God showed up as He always does and not only confirmed for me that He most definitely wants me on this trip and has great things planned for me, but reminded me it is exactly those things that we sometimes think are our weaknesses that are His biggest gifts to us. They are what makes us who we are and are our greatest tools in spreading the love of God.
So, flawed and all, I am excited about my trip and can't wait to see what God has in store!! Oh and Satan, watch your mailbox, I'll send you a postcard from Honduras! :-)
Oh yes... Satan. Boy does he start throwing a tantrum when you set out to do good things for God. He's consistently showed up in the past, kicking his feet and whining and throwing his toys at me from across the room. And I will admit, in the past he has won a couple battles, but he will NEVER win the war.
See, this is the thing he doesn't seem to get. I have God on my side. God is in my heart, my mind, my soul, my every breath. You can point out my flaws or throw obstacles in my way and yes, you may succeed at making things a little more difficult. But you will never stop me from spreading God's love and shining His light.
We mustn't underestimate how much we will be attacked when we are working for God. Nothing is safe... your feelings, your finances, your family, your friends. It may seem as if God went on a vaca and forgot all about you. But in reality, it is quite the opposite. God is like your coach over in the corner, while you're poised in the middle of the octagon. (Ok, sorry, random UFC reference, but hey, the analogy works) He knows how strong you are, He knows your heart and He knows you can defeat anything Satan may try to throw at you.
I have had my share of obstacles come my way in regard to this mission trip, some big and some small. But God showed up as He always does and not only confirmed for me that He most definitely wants me on this trip and has great things planned for me, but reminded me it is exactly those things that we sometimes think are our weaknesses that are His biggest gifts to us. They are what makes us who we are and are our greatest tools in spreading the love of God.
So, flawed and all, I am excited about my trip and can't wait to see what God has in store!! Oh and Satan, watch your mailbox, I'll send you a postcard from Honduras! :-)
Sunday, June 5, 2011
One of These Things is Not Like the Other
Have you ever found yourself wanting to be like someone else? Or wished that you were more like "everyone else"? Most likely everyone can say they have felt that way at least once in their life. But have you ever wanted to be different than everyone else? Have you ever found yourself purposely striving to be different than everyone? It's probably not as common as the first but is actually what we all should be striving for.
I have felt a little different from "society" for quite a few years now, but especially in the past 6 months or so, it has become all the more clear to me that I don't want to be like everyone else. In fact, it's quite the opposite. That is not to say that everyone out there is the same. Of course they're not. But when I say "everyone", I mean our society at large.
I don't find the need to post my every waking thought on Twitter, Facebook, MySpace, YouTube, etc, etc, etc... my cell phone is NOT something I can't live without... I don't worship "celebrities" that do nothing but get famous from drinking, partying and hooking up with a bunch of people... I don't think it's "normal" to casually sleep around... I DO think it's possible to not only not cheat on your spouse, but to respect them completely by not "innocently flirting" at work or online... I don't care who wins American Idol... I don't think a Playboy playmate is the ideal of an attractive female... I don't want to read a book on a handheld elecronic device... I don't enjoy watching movies where every other word is a curse word... I do value honesty and expect people to tell the truth... I wish teachers and nurses were paid more than football players and reality tv stars... I don't think 12 year olds need cell phones, Ipods and Ipads... you get the idea.
I know this is how I feel and I know that I won't change who I am or how I feel about these things, but what I realized tonight after the message at my church, is that I actually want to STRIVE to stand out. I don't want to be like "everyone else" and I will live my life in a way that demonstrates that. My favorite line from the Nicole Nordeman song Brave is "So long status quo, I think I just let go..." And that is exactly what stepping out from the crowd for what you believe in feels like... letting go.
I do not want to fill my shelf with idols of things that society worships. I don't want to add my own "addendums" to the Bible (well yes, technically it says this, BUT...). I don't want to succomb to society's ideas of what's right & wrong, good & bad, beautiful & ugly, important & insignificant. I will continue to stand for what is right for me (and God).
I hope and pray that society will start to change some of its ways, but until then, I am perfectly happy to be the "odd one out." ;-)
I have felt a little different from "society" for quite a few years now, but especially in the past 6 months or so, it has become all the more clear to me that I don't want to be like everyone else. In fact, it's quite the opposite. That is not to say that everyone out there is the same. Of course they're not. But when I say "everyone", I mean our society at large.
I don't find the need to post my every waking thought on Twitter, Facebook, MySpace, YouTube, etc, etc, etc... my cell phone is NOT something I can't live without... I don't worship "celebrities" that do nothing but get famous from drinking, partying and hooking up with a bunch of people... I don't think it's "normal" to casually sleep around... I DO think it's possible to not only not cheat on your spouse, but to respect them completely by not "innocently flirting" at work or online... I don't care who wins American Idol... I don't think a Playboy playmate is the ideal of an attractive female... I don't want to read a book on a handheld elecronic device... I don't enjoy watching movies where every other word is a curse word... I do value honesty and expect people to tell the truth... I wish teachers and nurses were paid more than football players and reality tv stars... I don't think 12 year olds need cell phones, Ipods and Ipads... you get the idea.
I know this is how I feel and I know that I won't change who I am or how I feel about these things, but what I realized tonight after the message at my church, is that I actually want to STRIVE to stand out. I don't want to be like "everyone else" and I will live my life in a way that demonstrates that. My favorite line from the Nicole Nordeman song Brave is "So long status quo, I think I just let go..." And that is exactly what stepping out from the crowd for what you believe in feels like... letting go.
I do not want to fill my shelf with idols of things that society worships. I don't want to add my own "addendums" to the Bible (well yes, technically it says this, BUT...). I don't want to succomb to society's ideas of what's right & wrong, good & bad, beautiful & ugly, important & insignificant. I will continue to stand for what is right for me (and God).
I hope and pray that society will start to change some of its ways, but until then, I am perfectly happy to be the "odd one out." ;-)
Monday, April 18, 2011
Mission Possible
This past weekend I had the pleasure of going on my first mission trip. It was a short, regional trip to Welch, WV to do some small home repair projects for different members of the community. I had always wanted to go on a mission trip and had been all set to go to the Dominican Republic about 8 years ago, until a last minute glitch kept me from going. So, when I saw the email about the mission trips with the Cove, it felt like the time was right. And even though I of course wanted to jump right into an international trip to Honduras or South Africa, I knew the right thing to do was to start out small and go on the regional trip first.
I was nervous... things like staying somewhere new and not knowing what the eating or sleeping arrangements would be like, not knowing exactly what I'd be doing and not knowing anyone on the trip are all the kinds of things that would normally make me anxious. And they did, a little. But the overall feeling was one of excitement and pushing forward through any anxiety, because this was God's work for me. Just like a few years ago, when I unexpectedly ending up doing a public speaking engagement for a women's church group. I was PETRIFIED of public speaking, but knew I had to go through with it, because it was God's plan. And just like then, it turned out to be a great experience. One marked distinctively with Godwinks right from the beginning...
The day I left, I ended up driving by myself and put the address of the mission clubhouse into my GPS on my phone (not even thinking about the fact that there'd be no cell phone service out there). Everything was going along just fine, as I was trekking way my way up and down the mountains of West Virginia. Driving on roads that were barely wide enough for two cars, with 180 degree turns. I was winding my way up one of those roads when I saw a skinny, stray dog on the side of the road. Well for those of you that know me well, you know I CANNOT pass a stray dog. So I didn't and sure enough, I turned around and pulled off the road. I spent about a half hour trying to get this dog to come over to me and/or get in my car. I wasn't quite sure what I'd do once he got in the car, but at least he wouldn't be on the side of the road by himself. :) Well he wasn't having any of that, so I decided to go all the way back down the mountain to a mini-mart I had passed and get him some food & water. I went all the way back, bought a can of food, a bottle of water and grabbed a big styrofoam cup and headed back up the mountain, only to find that my little friend was nowhere to be found. :( I looked up and down the road a couple times, but he was gone, so I had to give up and continue on my way. One problem. When I turned around, the GPS stopped because I had gone off the route and asked me if I wanted a new route. When I said no, to continue on the same route I had been on, and the GPS refreshed, it lost the signal. And it never came back. So there I was, by myself, with no written directions, a GPS that wasn't working anymore, no phone signal to call anyone, driving in the desolate mountains of West Virginia. I had heard the next direction was to turn right at the end of the road I was on, but after that I didn't have a clue! So when I got to the next intersection, I simply continued to pray what I had been praying ever since the GPS stopped working, "God, please guide me." I continued to drive on and on... through the twists and turns of the mountains, having no idea where I was or where I was heading, continually hoping for the GPS to work again and praying for God to lead me. When the GPS finally came back on, the voice announced that I was 1.8 miles from my destination and it gave me the last couple turns I needed to pull up right in front of the mission clubhouse. Thank you God! :)
Since the trip was a construction trip and I'm not exactly Bob Villa, there wasn't a whole lot for me to do, but God found ways to use me... even if it was just to pour water on concrete, drill in a few screws and to paint. I met a lot of wonderful people from my church that I didn't know, and most importantly, I got a good look at how different life is for the people of McDowell county, WV. We tend to automatically think of poor conditions when we think of third world countries, but it's not often that we realize how impoverished our own "backyards" are. That people in America in 2011 are still living in homes without running water or a roof over their head. It was very eye-opening, but also humbling, that I was able to help, if only in a small way. Our group fixed roofs, put up drywall, built fences, did plumbing and even did some repainting at the mission clubhouse. But overall, our purpose was to pass along the love of God through our acts of service.
I came home very much inspired to return to WV in the fall, to hopefully be able to go on an international mission trip soon and with two ideas of my own that I would love to bring to WV. While passing through the downtown area one day, one of the women on the trip noticed a small dress shop in town and how they seemed to be getting ready for prom. There were a few dresses in the front window and I realized in this area where there are no shopping centers, no malls... this was probably the only store where teenage girls in this area could get a prom dress, IF they could even afford one at all. I know that a local radio station here in Charlotte does a donated prom dress drive for girls in this area... but if there is a need here, imagine the need in the poorest county in the whole country! And, especially close to my heart... I saw stray dogs everywhere and heard stories of numerous amounts of puppies being born from dogs that were left loose to reproduce. I would love to do something about this as well and hopefully bring a low-cost or free spay/neuter clinic to the area, to control some of the pet population. They are both "projects" that were laid on my heart and I will continue to pray and work on them, but would love to hear from anyone who would be interested in helping!
And on an unrelated but yet very much related note... the message at my church last night, that I heard just a few hours after returning from WV, was on tithing. But it wasn't really about giving 10% as much as it was about TRUSTING GOD. The same thing that helped me to change my perspective about my "desert university" experience. The same thing that helped me let go of everything I had been so discontent with and trying so hard to work out on my own. The same thing that allowed me to go on a trip with no one I knew to an area I was unfamiliar with and be secure in the knowledge that God would use me. The same thing that I realized during that message last night was the next step for me in this journey. FAITH. Trusting in God. It's not about worrying over giving away 10% of your money, especially when your paychecks are already as small as mine are. It was almost automatic as the pastor spoke... I can't trust only in certain areas of my life and not in others. I can't hand control back to God (where it should be) over some things but still hold on tightly to others. And it was that simple realization that got my checkbook out of my purse and the check into the offering box. It all really comes back to the same thing...
Having faith in God with all parts of our lives.
Doing our best to serve him and others.
And trust, trust, trust.
I was nervous... things like staying somewhere new and not knowing what the eating or sleeping arrangements would be like, not knowing exactly what I'd be doing and not knowing anyone on the trip are all the kinds of things that would normally make me anxious. And they did, a little. But the overall feeling was one of excitement and pushing forward through any anxiety, because this was God's work for me. Just like a few years ago, when I unexpectedly ending up doing a public speaking engagement for a women's church group. I was PETRIFIED of public speaking, but knew I had to go through with it, because it was God's plan. And just like then, it turned out to be a great experience. One marked distinctively with Godwinks right from the beginning...
The day I left, I ended up driving by myself and put the address of the mission clubhouse into my GPS on my phone (not even thinking about the fact that there'd be no cell phone service out there). Everything was going along just fine, as I was trekking way my way up and down the mountains of West Virginia. Driving on roads that were barely wide enough for two cars, with 180 degree turns. I was winding my way up one of those roads when I saw a skinny, stray dog on the side of the road. Well for those of you that know me well, you know I CANNOT pass a stray dog. So I didn't and sure enough, I turned around and pulled off the road. I spent about a half hour trying to get this dog to come over to me and/or get in my car. I wasn't quite sure what I'd do once he got in the car, but at least he wouldn't be on the side of the road by himself. :) Well he wasn't having any of that, so I decided to go all the way back down the mountain to a mini-mart I had passed and get him some food & water. I went all the way back, bought a can of food, a bottle of water and grabbed a big styrofoam cup and headed back up the mountain, only to find that my little friend was nowhere to be found. :( I looked up and down the road a couple times, but he was gone, so I had to give up and continue on my way. One problem. When I turned around, the GPS stopped because I had gone off the route and asked me if I wanted a new route. When I said no, to continue on the same route I had been on, and the GPS refreshed, it lost the signal. And it never came back. So there I was, by myself, with no written directions, a GPS that wasn't working anymore, no phone signal to call anyone, driving in the desolate mountains of West Virginia. I had heard the next direction was to turn right at the end of the road I was on, but after that I didn't have a clue! So when I got to the next intersection, I simply continued to pray what I had been praying ever since the GPS stopped working, "God, please guide me." I continued to drive on and on... through the twists and turns of the mountains, having no idea where I was or where I was heading, continually hoping for the GPS to work again and praying for God to lead me. When the GPS finally came back on, the voice announced that I was 1.8 miles from my destination and it gave me the last couple turns I needed to pull up right in front of the mission clubhouse. Thank you God! :)
Since the trip was a construction trip and I'm not exactly Bob Villa, there wasn't a whole lot for me to do, but God found ways to use me... even if it was just to pour water on concrete, drill in a few screws and to paint. I met a lot of wonderful people from my church that I didn't know, and most importantly, I got a good look at how different life is for the people of McDowell county, WV. We tend to automatically think of poor conditions when we think of third world countries, but it's not often that we realize how impoverished our own "backyards" are. That people in America in 2011 are still living in homes without running water or a roof over their head. It was very eye-opening, but also humbling, that I was able to help, if only in a small way. Our group fixed roofs, put up drywall, built fences, did plumbing and even did some repainting at the mission clubhouse. But overall, our purpose was to pass along the love of God through our acts of service.
I came home very much inspired to return to WV in the fall, to hopefully be able to go on an international mission trip soon and with two ideas of my own that I would love to bring to WV. While passing through the downtown area one day, one of the women on the trip noticed a small dress shop in town and how they seemed to be getting ready for prom. There were a few dresses in the front window and I realized in this area where there are no shopping centers, no malls... this was probably the only store where teenage girls in this area could get a prom dress, IF they could even afford one at all. I know that a local radio station here in Charlotte does a donated prom dress drive for girls in this area... but if there is a need here, imagine the need in the poorest county in the whole country! And, especially close to my heart... I saw stray dogs everywhere and heard stories of numerous amounts of puppies being born from dogs that were left loose to reproduce. I would love to do something about this as well and hopefully bring a low-cost or free spay/neuter clinic to the area, to control some of the pet population. They are both "projects" that were laid on my heart and I will continue to pray and work on them, but would love to hear from anyone who would be interested in helping!
And on an unrelated but yet very much related note... the message at my church last night, that I heard just a few hours after returning from WV, was on tithing. But it wasn't really about giving 10% as much as it was about TRUSTING GOD. The same thing that helped me to change my perspective about my "desert university" experience. The same thing that helped me let go of everything I had been so discontent with and trying so hard to work out on my own. The same thing that allowed me to go on a trip with no one I knew to an area I was unfamiliar with and be secure in the knowledge that God would use me. The same thing that I realized during that message last night was the next step for me in this journey. FAITH. Trusting in God. It's not about worrying over giving away 10% of your money, especially when your paychecks are already as small as mine are. It was almost automatic as the pastor spoke... I can't trust only in certain areas of my life and not in others. I can't hand control back to God (where it should be) over some things but still hold on tightly to others. And it was that simple realization that got my checkbook out of my purse and the check into the offering box. It all really comes back to the same thing...
Having faith in God with all parts of our lives.
Doing our best to serve him and others.
And trust, trust, trust.
Monday, April 11, 2011
Desert University
So as has been the case for the last couple weeks, I found myself strangely (or not actually) choked up at the end of my church service tonight. I know it's something you hear a lot (at least if you go to a good church), in fact, it was part of the video package they showed before the service tonight... one of our church staff members talking about how he felt when he first starting attending and how he thought the pastor must've had his living room bugged because it seemed he was speaking directly about him each week. Well, I have felt the same way and tonight was just another step in an experience that is so much bigger than me. The "Desert University" experience as our pastor put it in his message tonight.
When we find ourselves lacking in some area of our life, feeling as though we are discontent with everything and we are in the "desert". However, instead of worrying and focusing on how discontent we are, we should be patient, trusting and grateful during these times. The times spent in the Desert University, is when God is trying to teach and discipline us. There is a much larger lesson going on then what we are usually aware of. When we are feeling furthest from God is when he most likely is paying us the most personal attention.
I personally know exactly what area(s) I have been feeling discontent with in my life recently. I have used that exact word. Expressing my lack of contentment, happiness and peace. I felt confused, frustrated, sad, irritated and sometimes hopeless over the situation. Like no matter what I did, the situation wasn't changing. But now I realize what I was in indeed DOING was worrying, questioning and not trusting. The message tonight reminded us that worrying is to not trust God. That is exactly what I have been doing. Worrying, thinking, analyzing and trying so hard to MAKE my situation change. When instead I should just be present in the moment, peacefully listening for direction and grateful even if my situation is not exactly as I would like it to be. When I realize that God is working on me bigtime right now, it all makes sense in a way that hours of worrying and overthinking couldn't ever achieve.
The areas I am discontent in are real. The things I was worried about are really the current state of affairs. BUT... again to quote our pastor, God will let you go through periods of hunger, but he will never let you starve to death. There is a reason why God has removed the things he has from my life, there is a reason why there are certain things that are still missing from my life, there is a reason why some of the attempts to change the situations (whether by me or others) have not worked out, there is a reason why I am being "broken down". It is not abandonment or something to be sad or angry over. Instead, it is God loving me so much that he will continue to work in my life until I am completely dependent on him, as I should be. Until I finally stop focusing on a hundred different things in a hundred different directions. Until I finally stop trying to control things... fix things... worry myself to death... until he finally has my full and undivided attention and I realize...
Oooooohhh.... so THAT'S what all this has been about...
in that case.... THANK YOU GOD.
When we find ourselves lacking in some area of our life, feeling as though we are discontent with everything and we are in the "desert". However, instead of worrying and focusing on how discontent we are, we should be patient, trusting and grateful during these times. The times spent in the Desert University, is when God is trying to teach and discipline us. There is a much larger lesson going on then what we are usually aware of. When we are feeling furthest from God is when he most likely is paying us the most personal attention.
I personally know exactly what area(s) I have been feeling discontent with in my life recently. I have used that exact word. Expressing my lack of contentment, happiness and peace. I felt confused, frustrated, sad, irritated and sometimes hopeless over the situation. Like no matter what I did, the situation wasn't changing. But now I realize what I was in indeed DOING was worrying, questioning and not trusting. The message tonight reminded us that worrying is to not trust God. That is exactly what I have been doing. Worrying, thinking, analyzing and trying so hard to MAKE my situation change. When instead I should just be present in the moment, peacefully listening for direction and grateful even if my situation is not exactly as I would like it to be. When I realize that God is working on me bigtime right now, it all makes sense in a way that hours of worrying and overthinking couldn't ever achieve.
The areas I am discontent in are real. The things I was worried about are really the current state of affairs. BUT... again to quote our pastor, God will let you go through periods of hunger, but he will never let you starve to death. There is a reason why God has removed the things he has from my life, there is a reason why there are certain things that are still missing from my life, there is a reason why some of the attempts to change the situations (whether by me or others) have not worked out, there is a reason why I am being "broken down". It is not abandonment or something to be sad or angry over. Instead, it is God loving me so much that he will continue to work in my life until I am completely dependent on him, as I should be. Until I finally stop focusing on a hundred different things in a hundred different directions. Until I finally stop trying to control things... fix things... worry myself to death... until he finally has my full and undivided attention and I realize...
Oooooohhh.... so THAT'S what all this has been about...
in that case.... THANK YOU GOD.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)